I don’t know how well you know me, or how closely you follow me, but the people closest to me have noticed and voiced a shift that has occurred in me. I’ve certainly noticed it. My confidence in what I am capable of and what I’m up to in the world is at an all-time high. I am fully standing in my power and I am feeling more real and honest than I’ve every felt before. It got me thinking.
While most people would describe me as charismatic and confident, what they might not know is the part of me that feels weak, insecure, incapable, and unworthy. There is a very select group of people in my life who have ever seen that person. Why? I got really really good at playing the part of charisma and confidence. So what’s the difference now? I decided to stop identifying with the weak part of me.
I’ve found that within myself, and arguably within all of us, there is a small and weak version of me, and there is a big and powerful version of me.
The small part of me needs other people to believe in her so that she can believe in herself. Her actions were driven by being told “good job.” She couldn’t make decisions without seeking the validation of everyone around her; she was exhausted spending most of her time trying to convince everyone how brilliant, talented, and successful she would some day be. She was always on her way but not quite there, she always had things she had to fix about herself, and she was unsure and scared of being found out. She was terrified of stepping into her power because she feared that if she really was at her best then people wouldn’t like her, they would be mean to her and would be jealous of her – and she couldn’t possibly stand the idea of someone not liking her.
The big part of me doesn’t really give a crap what anyone thinks of her, she is sure of herself and what she is capable of. She doesn’t need someone to tell her she is on the right track, because she is building her own freaking track in whatever damn direction she wants to go. She knows herself and she doesn’t take crap from anyone! She looks fear in the face and gives it a hug because she knows it is just trying to keep her safe, then she goes for it anyway. She knows she already has everything within her that she needs to take her where she wants to go. She knows that being big and owning her space in the world does not take away from anyone else – in fact, being the biggest version of herself will actually empower people into believing that they can too. She is someone who knows that her potential is unlimited and she fearlessly steps into it.
Even as I write this, it shocks me to see that I just wrote the paragraph about being small in the past tense, and the one about being big in the present tense… totally unintentional, as if that small version is finally being left in my past. It’s exciting and liberating. To be clear though, they both still exist within me. There were times in the past when I genuinely felt big, but I was constantly waiting and fearing that something would cause me to shrink back. The difference now is I am fully stepping into the big version of me and I genuinely feel capable of taking on anything that would have caused me to fall back in the past. My intention is no longer to impress, but to empower, and THAT has made all the difference.
So my question for you is, do you see this in yourself? And if so, which part of you are you identifying with? – You can sort through it yourself, but I would also love to hear your story. Feel free to shoot me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org or DM me on Instagram @lifeoffthereel